Late last year, I had someone tell my daughter they think I am a nothing more than "Little Miss Goody Two Shoes," trying to draw attention to myself by sharing my life, and that I was nothing more than a sinner. Anything I was sharing about fostering, donating a kidney, daily Bible verses, adopting--all of it, according to them, did nothing except make them roll their eyes. In this scathing text message, they went on to say that anyone who would draw attention to themselves that way should be ashamed.
Okay, while this person clearly has her own insecurity issues---whew---talk about knocking the breath out of me!! My first reaction was to be extremely vexed, and so, so hurt. And yet, y'all, it really made me look inward as well and thoroughly examine why I choose to share my life with anyone other than those closest to me. After many months of analyzing (because that's what I do) and lots of prayer (because I also do a lot of that), this is what I have discovered about why I do what I do:
- I am a sinful, selfish person, with selfish desires.
- I made a lot of huge mistakes from the ages of 18 to 28 years old. Mistakes which affected so many innocent people, and I am ashamed.
- I still make mistakes daily, just not as negatively life-altering as I did during that what-was-I-thinking period of my life.
- Because of those mistakes, once I gave my life back to Jesus, I went all in. I wanted all of Him, and vowed to make as many good and righteous choices as I am capable of. I vowed to listen for His voice, and obey as much as I know how in this life.
- If I can turn my life around and live for Him, I feel like anyone can, and THAT, more than anything, is what I want others to "get."
It is sad that it took me so many years to learn to truly listen and trust God, and once I did, I was honestly surprised and startled by the things He was leading me to do. There is a HUGE part of me that wants to make up for all the years I wasted. And no, I don't believe in being saved via works, only the blood of Jesus Christ can save me (Isaiah 57:12). But I do feel as if I owe Him my life because He saved me from eternal death and from my own stupid, young self who just kept sinning and not considering anyone else's feelings. Good works are just an extension of my renewed faith (James 2:17).
Do I think God loves me more now than He did when I first accept Him? No, not at all. I know if I never put forth effort for one more kind deed between now and the time I die, He would still love me. Am I motivated to work harder because of my past and daily sins? That would be a big, fat resounding YES.
I share our lives with you all because I am excited and can't wait to tell you about the good things happening to us. I love interacting with you all, especially online, because I am painfully shy. If it feels to you like there is too much of me and not enough of the Holy Spirit living within me, I pray it is met with as much grace as God has shown me (and you).
I am drawn to Him daily, and I don't want to turn anyone off by being myself, so all I know to do is the next, RIGHT thing, even if that means being seen as a Goody Two Shoes.
Ephesians 2:10 "It is God himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus; and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others."
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